By Koukyo Juunin
As a former Naha Shisa correspondent, I should have had unique access to the team owner, but I didn’t. In fact, nobody has met Mr. Seigyoki in person except GM Tom Fees.
Iyou Seigyoki leads a Howard Hughes-like existence, cloistered in his penthouse suite at the top of toilet manufacturer Nyu Gijutsu Toiretta’s headquarters. He only grants audiences in his cathedral-like office in which his desk is situated on the top of a toilet tank, and his supplicants are forced to talk to him from what appears to be a fully-functional toilet bowl. While the basin is flattened out to make it possible to walk upon it, the eight foot hole in the middle is a potential vortex down to a place I’d rather not even ponder. I don’t know if that thing actually works, but former Naha Shisa GM Yoriyosho Goto hasn’t been seen since Mr. Seigyoki fired him after the 2009 season.
I have done my due diligence as a reporter and ran a thorough background check on Iyou Seigyoki. As far as I can gather, he doesn’t even exist. Iyou was ostensibly adopted by the Seigyokis at birth and raised by them. The back story was that the family disowned him after he did not adopt the ancient family tradition of glassblowing. I pressured Mr. Seigyoki to produce documentation of Iyou’s childhood, birth records, school records—anything that would substantiate his existence. He avoided me until I threatened to have him investigated the by the Japanese Secret Service. Finally he venomously admitted, “Okay, I’ve never met Iyou in my life. We were in dire financial need and he paid us handsomely to provide a background for him. Now be gone from our lives and leave us in peace, Mr. Juunin!”
This left only one source to this mystery, the only man who really seems to have the goods on one Iyou Seigyoki. That would be GM Fees.
Surprisingly, even though we’ve had a very rocky relationship, Fees granted me an interview.
Fees: (in passable Japanese) Okay, Juunin, let’s get this over with. I know you won’t leave me alone until I talk to you about this.
Juunin: Quite right. Now tell me how you came to know Iyou Seigyoki.
Fees: Very well, I will tell you the whole truth. We met when I was but a teenager. He was running a 43-man squamish team into the ground at the time, operating under the alias of J.P. Schmuck. Before running Nyu Gijutsu Toiretta, his business ventures were notoriously unlucky, yet he always managed to come up with more capital to invest in yet another doomed venture. He purchased the Naha Shisa during the LRS’s inception in 2007 to promote his first love—toilets.
Juunin: Oh? And what is the source of his never-ending capital?
Fees: Well, he has singular access to a race of subterranean beings called Horkers. They provide him with fully salable jewels that he trades to criminal elements for cash.
Juunin: What?!? That is preposterous! Almost as ridiculous as the rumor that Iyou’s head is flat!
Fees: Well, that rumor is true. It’s actually not a head at all, but an electronic prosthetic device. You see, Iyou is an alien who was abandoned by his starship near Seattle for multiple acts of insubordination. While he is a biped of sorts, he has no head and his brain is literally located in his a…
Juunin: Enough of this nonsense! Fees, if I had known you were bringing me here just to make fun of me, I never would have set up this interview!
Fees: Well, you did insist. Believe as you wish. Bottom line, I’m the only person Iyou trusts and the only one who can tolerate his peculiarities. Mr. Seigyoki is, simply put, not a very healthy persona. While he can be personable, he’s also very angry, very greedy, and has some rather peculiar fetishes regarding human waste elimination. I believe he will get past all that, though, providing he adopts some sort of spiritual guidance.
Well, needless to say, after hearing all that fabricated foolishness I left Fees’ office in a huff. I only submit his idiotic ranting to you here, dear reader, so that you can see for yourself the sort of things I had to deal with as your trusted correspondent for the Naha Shisa. I now consider myself vindicated.
I will keep digging and one day I will reveal the real truth about one Iyou Seigyoki!
